In my continuing series revisiting my old writing: Fear

This was written while I was living in New York City. I was working on the Port Authority's AirTrain project as an independent contractor - graphic designer, and I hated my job.

In retrospect, New York was my failed attempt at being a normal person with a normal job. It didn't take.

Sometimes I have this terrible fear that I have blown it. I look at people around me who are into careers, falling in love, settling down, and I worry that I missed the boat. Maybe the path that I have chosen wasn’t the right one and now I am royally screwed and destined to live a life that is barely a shadow of what is could have been / should have been / might have been.

Sometimes I look and see a human being who is so beautiful that it takes my breath away. For a moment I just look without any judgment. Then, like a crashing dark wave I am inundated by a roiling combination of envy, fear and hatred that I must push aside so that I may avoid sinking like a waterlogged sailor.

Sometimes I feel so unconnected.

Sometimes. . .

I had a dream the other night. In my dream I saw one of my dearest friends step into a beautiful pool that was dappled with blinding white sunlight. When she emerged from the pool she had shed forty or fifty pounds and looked very much as she had when I knew her in high school. The dream is slipping away from me even as I write, but I remember her speaking earnestly to me. I remember the need to enter the pool myself.

I remember thinking as I first awoke that the symbolism was almost painfully obvious. First, years ago I was told something about fat that made complete sense and has stuck with me for years. The body only creates fat for protection from a real or perceived threat. Originally that threat would have been famine, illness, pregnancy or a host of other physical dangers. When the threat was totally gone and the fat was then in the way, it would disappear. However, in this modern age, it is extremely rare that any of us (at least those of us who have the money and resources to spend time on the internet) have to fear those clear physical dangers that would provoke the body to store excess fat. It is now those perceived fears and threats that our bodies now respond to. Now this is not to say that every person who is carrying extra fat is living in fear and every skinny person is fear free, but it does shed a little light for me. The second important symbol is the water. Since I was a small child I have heard over and over again that, in dreams, water symbolizes the spirit.

So, to be free of fear and excess weight, one must be immersed in the spirit. A simple enough idea, but like most simple ideas it is easier in the saying than the execution.

There is a theory in modern psychology that humans only really experience two emotions: Love and Fear. This theory goes on to state that all other feelings are manifestations of those two basic emotions. I tend to agree, but with the following addition. Spiritualists tell us that or fear stems from feeling separate and unconnected, unconnected to others and to god.

If these two theories are correct, then it would seem that immersion in the spirit is the way to be cleansed of fear as well as all other negative emotions. . .so why am I so afraid of that solution?

Author and lecturer Ron Roth writes that it is the ego that works to make us believe that we are separate from God. He says that the ego is the part of our selves that drives us to the external. It makes us believe that when we connect with God we will lose ourselves. One way to imagine it would be that God is the soft music of night and nature, while ego is the pesky roommate who keeps cranking up MTV.

About six years ago I had a vivid lesson in spirit vs ego. . . and ego won. I was visiting England with my family and another family. Their daughter Heather and I are about the same age and we spent much of the trip together. The entire trip was rich with mystical experiences of all sorts, but one sticks in my mind and plays through my dreams.

We were visiting Canterbury Cathedral. Heather and I went off alone to see what we could see and explore. Canterbury Cathedral is rich with different energies and breath-taking art, but it was the catacombs that excited us most. The walls of this underground crypt housed small chapels to various saints. Most felt empty without a flicker of energy, but often filled with beautiful art and sculpture. However a few were filled with personality, energy and light. I remember walking into one that felt like a home-coming. The energy was so warm and loving that were both on the edge of tears, but it was the chapel of St. Gabriel that I will never forget.

Heather and I were making it a point to visit every chapel and kneel at the alter for a moment in those were we felt a presence. When we entered Gabriel’s chapel I did not even make it two paces before I fell to my knees. I crawled the rest of the way to the alter. The presence that filled the room was beautiful, powerful, awe-full in the original sense of the word and utterly overwhelming.

My mind was filled with images that race from my human mind. I remember images of healing and little else, but one message filled my entire being: "Will you follow me?" It was moments before there were any thoughts in my head that were my own. Now this, ladies and gents is the moment in my life that to this day makes me think that I may have totally blown it. I reacted with fear and said no.

The presence immediately withdrew leaving only a feeling of regret and (this gives me hope) a vague feeling that while this would have been the easiest way to join up, there will be other chances later. It is that last bit that gives me hope that I haven't totally blown it...yet.

This week I can offer you only questions, but no answers. I cannot give you wisdom, only theories. I can write to you of theories, but I cannot guarantee you truth. I can suggest a daily practice that I, myself, am returning to, but I cannot promise results. This next week I will be reading the 119th psalm every day and spending my time seeking a connection.

I hope that you find connection for yourself.
John Michael Thornton

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